Buckle up

I am sitting here on the couch in an empty house. I have "Race Across the Sky" playing on the tv. I pulled my riding gear out and cleaned out the bags. This was a long overdue task. I have a video uploading to youtube and it crosses my mind that I don't know where my external drive is at the moment. This external drive has all of my videos from the past few years on it....so it has some value (at least for me). I don't know why, I guess maybe I have just been putting stuff off lately. I cleaned out the bike bags, and put all the cables and battery packs back where they belong. Cleaning house so to speak. 

A lot of things have been put off. I won't lie....I have used the surgery as an excuse to let things go. I have been cleared to ride on the trainer, but I haven't. I had videos to edit...but I haven't. I have tires to set up tubeless, but I haven't. I have snacks to eat. That hasn't been a problem. 

However, there is a problem. Me. I got lazy. I got lazy fast. With the laziness and extra intake of snacks, I have added some mass. I would love to say it was muscle mass, but its just a fat mass. Being off the bike and dealing with depression is a lethal combo for me. I am what would be described as a textbook "Emotional Eater". Happy...eat. Sad...eat. Bored....eat. Stressed....eat. Horny....you get the idea. 

Unfortunately as this year has worn on the scale has shown an increase in gravity. So I am feeling and looking a lot like this friendly character, Beta Max. 

Not good. Not good at all. I am reminded of what comes with the additional weight. Harder to get up off my ass. General discomfort in all areas of the body. Even my hands are swollen. Overall, I just feel like fucking shit. So my mood turns to 'fuck it' and I eat more. Making it worse instead of better. 

But....this is how I have operated for 20 years. I lose some weight. I gain it back. I hang out at a weight for a while and then I gain again. For those that know me this has been my history. Gain. Get motivated and lose. Let it go off the rails and gain again. Repeat. Its stupid really. 

This is why I am my own worse enemy. I alone control what goes into my body. I make the choices to either pile in empty calories or to grab vegetables instead. I have always said that if I won the lottery I would hire someone to follow me around and knock shit out of my hand that I shouldn't be eating. 

But....here I am....and it is what it is. Just a continuing cycle of damage being done to my body. I am roughly a month away from being cleared to ride outside again. I have mentioned multiple times in the past 2 weeks that I am "thinking about getting on the bike" or "I should get on the trainer"....and those thoughts are followed by an hour on the couch instead of the bicycle. The downward spiral continues...

But enough about me. 

A couple of weeks ago I had friends racing at the Lumberjack 100. While each of these two friends had different outcomes, I am still proud of them for their efforts. Lisa had a decent first lap, but just wasn't feeling it. I take full responsibility for this. We planned on doing the LJ100 together again. Especially after the frame fiasco and her just missing the cutoff in 2023. I am still super proud that she made a 2nd attempt after knowing how rough it was last year. 

Tom on the other hand, had a great day. He finished his first attempt with a very solid (and frankly shocking) time. I was shocked because he isn't much of a mountain biker. He loves gravel. There is enough fire roads and 2-tracks in LJ for Tom to be successful. Very awesome job my friend. However, it was the next weekend that gathered more attention. The Coast 2 Coast gravel grinder was the following weekend.

Again, many friends up there for this event. But while many were bailing out due to thunderstorms and heavy rain, Tom stuck to his goal of the 200 mile course. I watched his tracker and saw he had a great pace to the first and second aid stations. Then, at the 3rd there was no updated when I expected. After glancing at the weather I understood why. It was dark green and red across the entire area he was riding in. I waited. Shot him a text of good luck, and waited some more. The carnage was real. The hundred mile races were arriving back and just looking like a mess. Then, an update. The rain had slowed him, along with everyone else, down. I couldn't imagine the conditions...let alone having to ride along in them. I would check in every one in a while to see where he was. Eventually, finishers started to cross the line. And then he made it. Even with the terrible conditions he had a great finish. He even took 1st in his category. Very awesome my friend. Be proud of your efforts, regardless of the cost that was incurred.

So why do I bring up these friends. They are the ones that have ridden with the most in the last year or two. When I can ride again, these are the people I will be joining. Slowly at first, but I will get stronger and lighter every week. Eventually.....I will be strong enough to keep up. 

But that lands me here.....nearly a year away from the 20th Edition of the Lumberjack 100. I pulled the image below from the LJ100 Facebook page.

It is 50 weeks until this event. That seems like a long way off, but we know how fast time moves these days. That means I have time to get to work. But that the work I must start now to get to where I want to be. Silly right.....to think I have to go through the rest of summer, winter, and spring before this event should even be on my radar.....but it is right now. 

So, I am going to attempt to get to work again. Start building the base that I need to achieve my goal. My goal? Well.....there are many. 

Long term:

1. Discipline. Be disciplined with small daily goals that will help me reach my long term goals. 

2. Get healthy. I head that way from time to time. But I need to continually work to get there.

2. With 2 comes an obvious goal of losing weight. This is a NEED as well as a goal. 

3. Finish LJ100 again. Goal times aside, Finishing will be a long term goal. So I can focus on riding and losing weight to get across the finish line.

4. Read a book each month. Doesn't matter what book. just something.

Short term: 

1. Discipline

2. Ride. 

2. Eat good.

3. Lose weight.

4. Read 20 minutes a day. 

Seems like a simple recipe right? Start each day fresh. Meaning, if I have a bad day on Tuesday, don't let it ruin Wednesday. Wake up every day with a set of goals to achieve for that day. Developing the habit of being consistent. 

I really should be grateful. Grateful to have the opportunity to do anything in my life. Grateful I can get on a bike and pedal. Grateful to be alive after the saddle PE back in 2019. Simply stated, I let the daily grind wear me down. Then I don't do what I need to do to ensure I can combat that daily grind. Instead, I grind myself further into the dirt. I am there so often that I begin to believe its where I am destined to be. I know I don't belong in the dirt......but we all find ourselves here sometimes. The key is....I can't stay there. 

The climb starts now.

 

Remember 2019

 Something made me think back to the year 2019 today. Not sure, but it took me on an interesting path.

Just about 5 years ago I was sitting in a hospital bed not knowing whether I was going to live or die. Literally. Standing on the brink of death. As I said, not sure sure what took me back to that time I spent in the hospital, but if you care do go back and look you can here. (CLICK)

Maybe I am where I am mentally revisiting that journey because of words a friend of mine gave me. 

Hey Sean….read your post and am sorry you are going through so much.  I am certainly not trying to play anything down that you are going through, but I know the tough side of you and you can and will prevail.

My journey from 6 months ago and a month in the surgical ICU at UofM has changed me forever.  I have never been good in the patience department, but have learned it finally.  I am sending a pic of where I was with the vent being removed to see if I would respond.  Just like you I have persevered.  You went through a lot of stuff several years ago and that was in the back of my mind.

If you ever want to jaw, hang out, ride or whatever….I will be available my friend.

Perspective. As bad as things seem, they can be worse. My friend above here had a brush with death. He was, in all honesty, closer to heading home than I was. I am thankful he didn't. And I am very thankful for his words above. 

So yes, I nearly died. Well, I was closer to death than I have ever wanted or planned to be. I am thankful that I was able to survive that ordeal. One would think that taking a blood thinner every day would be a stark reminder of that time in the hospital, but taking the meds is more of a habit than a 'lifesaver' in my eyes. Still, my brain went back there.

At the time I didn't fully understand it. Looking at it now I can remember talking to a nurse there and her telling me how serious it was. But memories fade and we forget. I forgot how I felt sitting in that room, waiting for something exciting to happen. Nothing did. Eventually I just went home. But I find myself in that same position....sitting here waiting for something exciting to happen. 

It reminded me of a Bone Thugs and Harmony lyric where he says 

"There are 3 types of people...

those who wonder what happened....

those who know what happened....

and the people that make it happen..."

Only I can make it happen. I have to do the work. I have to get out and ride. I have to drop the weight. I have to make it exciting. 

Its like this pic here....

You can have all the gear. You can talk a big game. But its truly only exciting when you are out there making it happen. We all have bad days. Times when we just want to say "fuck it" and still the itch at the back of my mind exists....a gnawing ping that tells me to get on the bike. Granted, I have somewhat of an excuse with a surgery recovery. But, I cant use that to avoid the trainer. Especially when the doctor told me I could use the trainer....even though I haven't. 

There is chaos as usual. We have that in life. But I believe as long as we don't quit that we can keep fighting our way back. Or even just fighting ourselves out of a hole that we dug. I am still here afterall, even after all the times I have wanted (and tried) to quit. 

So, I find out Friday when I can 'ride for real' again. I am ready to get out there and work my way back out of the hole I have dug. No reason to dwell. I have a pile of excuses I can use. But that has to end. As I said in my post yesterday, Discipline will be my friend. We need to be locked together like conjoined twins. Inseparable. 

Working on new idea for this silly blog, the facebook page, and the youtube channel. If you guys have anything you would like to see, or any ideas.....let me know. Until then, keep the rubber side down. 

On the downward spiral

What have I done?

Nothing. That is exactly the problem. 

It is also not entirely true. I have done more damage to myself, in the form of weight gain again. I have used my tendon surgery as a crutch and an excuse to pile massive amounts of garbage into my system while simultaneously sitting on my ass and doing nothing. 

Junk in + lazy = high mass.

I can tell too. Clothes are tight. Body aches. General lethargy. Its a really great feeling. Not. 

So, I find myself once again on the downward spiral. When I had surgery I honestly didn't think I would miss riding as much as I have. But I do. I have watched friends riding, training, and doing races that I would normally do. It made me want to ride.

But...I haven't gotten clearance from the doctor. Which is also a half truth. I have a follow up this Friday, but I sent my doc a message last week. I wanted a time frame when I can ride again. From my research I should be back to normal activity 3 months after surgery. Which is August. still a month and a half away. Doc said that I cannot ride yet, but that I can ride the stationary bike. They don't want me using the 'fast twitch' actions that cycling can have. It makes sense I guess, because slow and methodical actions are all I can do. Anything quick and I feel that instant reminder that I am not healed yet. So, I can ride the trainer.

But that was just last week, and I found reasons to not get on the bike again. Weird how motivation works. When I can't ride I want to....and when I can...I don't make the effort. Strange.

The other factor that drives that decision is my mood. In general, I am doing ok. There are many life factors going on at the moment, but we can only take them as they come. One day at a time.

One pedal stroke at time. 

Once again I find myself starting over. Not really starting from scratch, but starting from a familiar place where I just haven't done much in a few months. I will start back slow. Every day I need to get on the bike, even for a short time. Just get the body moving again. I plan to eat better, again. I plan to do a lot of things, and I just need to find the motivation to stay on course.

Motivation. Interesting. That might not be the best word. The word I NEED in my life is DISCIPLINE. I need to be disciplined in my life. Much like getting up and going to work everyday, I need to be disciplined enough to pass on the junk food, to choose fruit instead of cookies, and remind myself "what good will this food do if I put it into my body". What is my goal? I need the discipline to stay on point with eating and riding and reading and understanding that there is only one way to get where I want to be. 

I need to do the work. I alone control what happens. I keep coming back to where I currently am. I guess I am comfortable here. But I am unhappy here. So I have to start the climb out of the hole yet again. Stop going on the downward spiral and take control.

Here we go.....again.