On the downward spiral

What have I done?

Nothing. That is exactly the problem. 

It is also not entirely true. I have done more damage to myself, in the form of weight gain again. I have used my tendon surgery as a crutch and an excuse to pile massive amounts of garbage into my system while simultaneously sitting on my ass and doing nothing. 

Junk in + lazy = high mass.

I can tell too. Clothes are tight. Body aches. General lethargy. Its a really great feeling. Not. 

So, I find myself once again on the downward spiral. When I had surgery I honestly didn't think I would miss riding as much as I have. But I do. I have watched friends riding, training, and doing races that I would normally do. It made me want to ride.

But...I haven't gotten clearance from the doctor. Which is also a half truth. I have a follow up this Friday, but I sent my doc a message last week. I wanted a time frame when I can ride again. From my research I should be back to normal activity 3 months after surgery. Which is August. still a month and a half away. Doc said that I cannot ride yet, but that I can ride the stationary bike. They don't want me using the 'fast twitch' actions that cycling can have. It makes sense I guess, because slow and methodical actions are all I can do. Anything quick and I feel that instant reminder that I am not healed yet. So, I can ride the trainer.

But that was just last week, and I found reasons to not get on the bike again. Weird how motivation works. When I can't ride I want to....and when I can...I don't make the effort. Strange.

The other factor that drives that decision is my mood. In general, I am doing ok. There are many life factors going on at the moment, but we can only take them as they come. One day at a time.

One pedal stroke at time. 

Once again I find myself starting over. Not really starting from scratch, but starting from a familiar place where I just haven't done much in a few months. I will start back slow. Every day I need to get on the bike, even for a short time. Just get the body moving again. I plan to eat better, again. I plan to do a lot of things, and I just need to find the motivation to stay on course.

Motivation. Interesting. That might not be the best word. The word I NEED in my life is DISCIPLINE. I need to be disciplined in my life. Much like getting up and going to work everyday, I need to be disciplined enough to pass on the junk food, to choose fruit instead of cookies, and remind myself "what good will this food do if I put it into my body". What is my goal? I need the discipline to stay on point with eating and riding and reading and understanding that there is only one way to get where I want to be. 

I need to do the work. I alone control what happens. I keep coming back to where I currently am. I guess I am comfortable here. But I am unhappy here. So I have to start the climb out of the hole yet again. Stop going on the downward spiral and take control.

Here we go.....again.