Step 1: Admitting you have a problem

 Its easy to admit. I won't deny it. I never have. I am what can only be described as an "emotional eater". You would think I was Italian.

Sad....eat...you'll feel better.

Happy.....sweet....lets eat!

Celebrate. Eat.

Bored. Eat. 

Stressed.....eat!!!!

Bury whatever feelings you are having under a pile of food. The sweeter the better. Well, not always. Snacks....chips...crackers and cheese...candy bowl...ice cream....pretzels....peanut butter pretzels....cheese dips...salsas....street corn dip....hell....give a big salad.

As long as I am eating, I am good. 

But that isn't good. Eating like that it what got me to over 300lbs and miserable. I don't really want to go down that road again.

But....some habits die hard. 

We have had a bit of additional stress lately. Many reasons, but all are inconsequential at the moment. Lets say life is happening a little harder than normal right now. Fair?

I bring this up because I am finding it easier to grab a snack here or there and really eat shit that I don't need.....because I find comfort there. That short burst of endorphins helps me get through to the next moment. Unfortunately those also endorphins come with a shit-load of empty calories. 

Do you know what empty calories add up to? 

Its nothing good. 

Add the empty calories into the lack of riding and that makes the deal even worse. Its a perfect storm for shit to go sideways. Thankfully I am fully aware of this situation....and while I have had a few bad days here and there....overall I am doing 'ok'. 

That being said....it was a bit of a panic when I stepped on the scale on Monday. Weight had ticked up by a few pounds from the previous week. While not the end of the world, it was an indicator that I have been partaking in the stress eating more than I should be. In general I cannot eat much, but I can eat every few hours. So if every few hours I put in a candy bar or chips or peanut butter filled pretzels....its not going to end well. 

With another race coming in a few weeks....it is indeed time to buckle down and ramp up. Buckle down on the garbage that I shouldn't be eating. Ramp up on the riding. Keep up with off the bike routine. The formula isn't difficult.....but the struggle is real.

This is a new line in the sand. Kill those old habits. Keep developing new positive habits. Get back into the swing of the weights and cadence of the bike. Eat clean. Be happy.

Big things on the horizon. Just gotta get through the current rough patch. 

Get out and ride! 

A matter of perception

For lunch I usually bring the same thing everyday. More days than not...lets say. I will have this in my lunch box.

Protein Shake

Salad

Salad Dressing (zero sugar)

Cheese Stick

Greek Yogurt

I usually eat a banana on my way into work. Then when I get to work I will drink the protein shake. Around 10 I have the cheese stick. Noon, salad. Then at 3ish I will have my yogurt. This is how I get steady protein every couple of hours and don't get as hungry. 

At my work, we have to go past Security to get into the building. They check bags and, in my case, lunch boxes. Every day for the past few months I get a "good to go" from one of our security guards. But...a few weeks ago it changed.

He looks at my lunch and goes "dude, I gotta ask"....and pauses. 

Here it comes.......the judgement from still being overweight and eating a healthy lunch every day. Like how does that happen. 

after the pause he continues ".....I see you with your protein shake and salad, healthy lunch every day....so what the hell else do you eat.....I mean....don't take this the wrong way but......."

And I cut him off. I smiled at him and told him I knew what he was thinking:

"why is this guy putting all this protein in his system and eating healthy all day just to go home and eat like garbage the rest of the day....this dude could be skinnier if he would eat like this all of the time"

I explained that I eat like this because I am down 80 pounds and I want to continue to lose more. His face changed a bit. I went on to explain that we have chicken, steak, or burgers most nights. But I still eat pizza, and other things...just with extreme moderation. 

He smiled and goes "well that is awesome man.....I was gonna give you some major shit". hahaha. 

His story is that he is a competitive body builder. So he is jacked and he eats a lot of rice and protein. He told me congrats and now asks me how things are going. 

You see people post the picture below floating around facebook.

Its funny how true it is with anything we deal with. He had no clue I was down 80 pounds. He was comfortable enough to ask me, and he found out the history. Not everyone will be open about the history, but I am because this journey is not over. 

Marathon. Not a sprint.

I get closer every day. The goal hasn't changed. I will get there. I just thought it was funny how he approached the conversation and wanted to share.

I had a solid ride on the trainer last night. Might do a spin tonight. I am planning a longer gravel ride tomorrow. Keep moving forward. 

Back at it

 After the Addison Oaks race I took some time off the bike. We had a trip to Cedar Point, and then 4th of July...so it was a busy week. I did walk over 8 miles per day each day we were at Cedar Point, so I still had some calories burned, just not on the bike.

The Sunday after the 4th I decided I needed to get on the trainer for a while. I felt pretty good overall, just getting the legs moving again. I was trying to do a climb portal climb....but it kept kicking me on Col Du Tourmalet....and there is no way I was in the mood for that. lol. Instead I just rode a bit and called it a day.

Wednesday I got out for some local gravel. I have a decent route that I can ride. Not hilly. Minimal car travel. Good gravel. No dogs. I didn't get a location on my computer, so I was riding blind. There is something to be said about that. Riding with no computer, no speed, no heart rate, no idea on distance. I did check my phone eventually to see how far I was. I was roughly 9.7 miles in, so I rode a bit further and turned back. I got home and was pleased with my effort over 22 miles. Not my fastest, but a solid effort.

Sunday I got up and headed to Kal-Haven for a longer ride. My buddy DW was there and off we went. We rode a comfortable pace, navigating our way around other riders, many walkers, a group of runners, and even 2 downed trees. Its always a pleasure to ride with DW. We have both had some health concerns, some worse than others. But we are both grateful to be alive and doing this sport we love. 

When we reached Gobles, about 13 miles in, DW took a breather and headed back towards the car. I soldiered on towards Bloomingdale. They have done a lot of work on the trail here, and the surface is renewed. I pressed onward until I hit the 25 mile mark, and it was time to turn back towards the car.

As I worked my way back towards Kalamazoo my mind started to wander. I was settled into my pace and because this is a rail-trail....its easy to lose focus. Well, not so much losing focus....more or less just checking out and allow the mind to wander to other things. Life, work, the ocean, future jobs, everything. But then my mind would snap back and the calculating was starting.

When I got back to Bloomingdale I knew I had 18 miles to go. Legs felt pretty good here, but I was starting to not feel the best. I ate a mini cliff bar and forged ahead. I was remembering riding this little section with my daughters. How we would ride here, get a snack, and head back. I miss those days. The girls are grown up and being adults....with kids and lives of their own. Just one of those places my mind went.

Eventually I was approaching Gobles. There were to bike packers riding side by side and talking. I called out a pass and scared them. They didn't know I was coming, but startling them wasn't my goal. lol. Still, I snuck past them and rolled into Gobles. This meant about 13 miles to go. The next stretch isn't terrible, with some minor descents to ease up the stress on the legs. This is one of the hardest things about Kal-Haven.....its just flat. You are on the pedals for miles with no real changes. Your legs start to beg for a change, up or down, just to change the feel. 

10 to go, my mind started to tell me that I was going to struggle. It was screaming "you haven't done more than 41 miles recently".....and subtly reminding me that my endurance has been focused on my mountain bike races, and not this longer style of gravel. Then my stomach not feeling great, my stress was growing. 

With 5 to go I was super happy that I was closing in on the finish. I was dreading the final climb out of the river valley, but it isn't awful. I just knew it was coming, so I was preparing for it. When that did start I was running on fumes. I settled into an easy pace and just did what I could. I had to traverse a tree, and then a second one. But those few seconds off of the bike were helpful. It gave me legs a little rest, as well as a mental distraction. The last grind feels long. So a little break was needed. 

I crossed the last road before the parking lot and pressed to the finish. I was done. Gassed. Shaky. Dead. I started the car, cranked the air, and finished loading the bike. I sat there for a good 10 minutes in the AC letting the shakes work their way out through my finger tips. Ugly. Done. 

I had clipped off 50 miles for the first time this year. My longest ride was 41 out on the Dirty Donut course. I don't think the distance was the issue, I think it was just the flat. At least on some of the other routes I ride there are hills. Both ups and downs to give the legs some variety. Sure you push the climbs, but then you get some recovery too. Kal-Haven offers miles of mindless pedal mashing, and it is a love-hate relationship for that very reason. You think it will be easy because there are no hills, but that is the same reason its becomes difficult. Maybe by the end of this year I will attempt a full ride again, but we will see. 

This was my Longest ride since LJ100 in 2023. That is weird to me. I do know I got burned out mentally because of the broken frame and how that season ended. Then in 2024 I had 2 surgeries....but it is crazy that it has been 2 years since I passed the 50 mile mark. I am happy with my ride, but it does show me that I have a lot of work to do. It also shows me how delusional I was to think I could do LJ100 this year. I am very glad I had the capacity to mentally accept where I am, versus where I want to be.

As far as my weight, it is still a work in progress. I am 40 pounds away from my ultimate goal. I am 25 away from my main goal. Slow and steady wins the race. I am far from perfect, but I am so much better than I ever was. I will keep going, keep getting stronger, keep moving forward.