No, this isn't another HERE ARE MY GOALS post, because those just get old. This is a major reflecting type of post for this year....and you probably get sick of those too, but lets carry on.
(and one more thing, this post is about life....not riding bikes)
As with any story you need a place to start. Mine starts at a new residence that I had been in for less than two months. An old building built in 1903 with thin walls and lots of laughter. I stood on the fire escape with total strangers and watched the ball drop before the fireworks were flying. As I sat down that night....eh...morning...I could hear a hoard of people coming up the stairs. We talked, laughed, and drank until nearly 3am. I was still married on this day. But the year started off well enough.
Time progressed. The road bike never left the trainer this year. I rode a bit the first part of the year, but miles started to dwindle. Motivation was gone. Life was busy. Hectic. Chaotic. Focusing on what had to be done instead of what wanted to be done was how life went. Without the bike, the weight went back up and the health started to decline. Climbing the massive flight of stairs started to become difficult. Short of breath and light headed at the landing made me want to ride. So I did. A few times. One of my last rides of the first half of the year was at Luton Park. I was feeling pretty good, even though I was highly aware I was out of shape. This ride was different. Less than half a mile in I could barely get any oxygen. Heart rate was high, breathing was awful. Hoping I was just out of shape I still decided to cut the ride short. I took the inner loop straight back to the car for less than 2 miles of riding. My average speed, under 5. I basically was walking the entire way back to the car, unable to get any oxygen into my system. Sean needs cardio was the thought. As I got back to the car I cranked the AC and sat there for 10 minutes before even changing or loading up the bike. Something isn't right....
I got home and unloaded the bike, hauling it up the stairs nearly killed me. I sat and did nothing pretty much the rest of that weekend. I did go to the store and noticed the trip back up the stairs was again horrific. Nearly collapsing on the table I decided it was time to call the doctor. I headed to work that Monday and noticed I had labored breathing walking from my car to my desk. When I sat down I immediately called and made an appointment....for the next day. That night I took the stairs slowly and it was better, but the nerves made it difficult to sleep. What is wrong? And I just out of shape? Is my heart failing? resting heart rates look fine, but the rates spike when I walk...what is going on. Maybe its nothing, just a rough year. We will see. Tomorrow is another day.
I rolled into the doctor office at 11am. The nurse called me back and took my vitals. Blood pressure was normal, weight was normal, oxygen....85% and heart rate was 125. I kinda smiled and said "that is why I am here, I feel fine but something seems awry". We headed back and she set me up for an EKG. Fuck, it is my heart. That can't be a heart attack, I feel fine now that I am sitting. She runs the quick test and leaves the room. I hear her chatting wit the doc and he says to run it again. She calmly runs it again and leaves the room. Doc comes in to talk to me. Asks me how I am feeling. Nurse comes in with aspirin and oxygen tank. Doc says to relax and ambulance is on the way. I just smile, take the aspirin and get hooked up to the oxygen. It is my heart. Fuck. I calmly wait for EMS to get there and get my first ever ride in an Ambulance. Arriving in the ER they plant me firmly in room 21 just outside the nurses station is buzzing with activity. Doc and nurse watch me move from gurney to bed and instantly have looks of concern. ER Doc says "you are pretty sick honey"....and she talks to the nurse in hospital lingo about tests. Within 15 minutes I was being wheeled to get a CT scan. They did an iodine contrast and that was an interesting sensation. If you have never had this done it literally feels like you are going to piss your pants. Thankfully I didn't, but I swear I was close. Back in room 21 with the oxygen flowing I am just trying to relax and see what the doctor says. I hear some chatter at the nurses station and someone say "anyone have any bets on 21?" so I perk up....because HEY that is me! And I hear "that is huge"....to which I wasnt sure if I should be worried....or say thank you. ;)
At any rate, the nurse comes flying in with the doctor on her heels. The nurse is fairly frantic as she jams the second IV into my right arm while the Doc explains. You have a pulmonary embolism, a rather large blood clot. We are starting you on blood thinners. Ok, so it wasn't my heart....well...kinda but not really. So, I have a ginormous blood clot in my lungs. Yes, lungs...not just one...but it stretches to both of them...roughly the size of a softball. At this point, I don't really know what will happen other than the blood thinners. So, kudos to the Mercy Health St. Marys in Grand Rapids emergency room department....I was there a total of 30 minutes and was being properly treated for my blood clots. Eventually they move me up to a room where I sit and wait.
Still not fully understanding the gravity of my situation I ask if I can go home tomorrow. The nurse looks at me rather puzzled and says "no, you will be here a few days....are you aware of how close to death you were?". Um, not until that moment. Later the doctor told me if I had pushed it another week that I likely would not have survived the trip to the hospital. So, I will take the four days of sitting there bored to death in a quiet hospital room. Alive. Thankful to be alive.
But the other chaos is still happening. I am in the midst of a divorce and work and life and everything else that comes with it. I settle in and my divorce is declared final. August 1st things started to change. The stress was no better. There was a face smashing incident on my Son. There was lots of drama with police. Lots of harsh words. Lots of stress in general. We went to court, and then court again. And then I was taken to court over my girls. This chapter still isn't close as we have yet another court date in February. Life.
But in all this chaos I have found some things. I am way more positive than I have ever been. I realize that working on myself will only make my life better. Counseling. A couple of getaways. One with the girls and one solo. Relaxing. Lots of time with friends. Celebrating accomplishments with friends and family. My friends have done some amazing things. From climbing Kilimanjaro to new babies to amazing new relationships to qualifying for Ironman Championships.....You guys are amazing.
We have suffered losses this year too. The loss of close friends. The loss of loved ones. My dear friends have lost parents, others have lost close friends. Multiple people I know lost everything in fires in 2019. I am grateful for the people that remain a part of my life. I am grateful for all of those that have been part of my life in the past. Life goes on for all of us. Our paths just change but we are all still moving forward. For those that know more about my life than others, thank you for listening to the drama, the happiness, and the tears. For those that I have helped, thank you for allowing me to be part of your journey on this 3rd rock from the sun. I appreciate you and your struggles. It shows us we are all human. For all the hugs, smiles, handshakes and words that have been exchanged this year I am overly grateful.
It is time to move onto another year as well as another decade. What does it mean for you? What does it mean for me? Time will tell I suppose. I will be training for massive cycling events again. I will be dragging my girls around the state to show them things they haven't seen. I need a vacation. Like a for real vacation. But overall, I just want to continue down this path I started on in 2019. Where I see what it feels like to be happy with who I am as a person. I still struggle with negative self talk, but I am working on that every day. I have to learn to love who I am to any good for anyone I am around. There was a big step this year, and with help of a counselor I have had some pretty major self discoveries. Trying to force life to happen instead of sitting back and just letting it happen. This was a big one for me. Patience, ride the wave and see what happens. Resilience, keep fighting the good fight. Honesty, the truth will really set you free. Be honest with everyone including yourself.
Sometimes the truth is hard to hear. But surround yourself with people that are not afraid to tell you the truth. These are the people that will build you up when you fall. I have these people around me and have sought their counsel early and often this year. The many in-depth conversations were bringing perspective that I never saw. I was able to say my peace on some things, and I took my push backs when it was necessary. Take the good with the bad.
I don't know what 2020 has in store for me. But I plan to do what I can to make it memorable. Lets have a fun year full of adventure, laughter, smiles, hugs, kisses, and bike rides. Because if I learned anything this year....it is that I am truly grateful to be alive and I cannot waste a life being angry or boring. Jump on my wheel, lets see where this year takes us!
