Hard to explain

 It's really hard to explain where I am both mentally and physically these days. It feels like a roller coaster for sure. Its hard to even put it into words, but I will try.

August had my 2nd highest amount of training hours this year. This was also my highest amount of saddle hours since January. The trend has been more on the trainer than outside. Its odd, but it is what it is. 6 of the 11 rides were indoors. Crazy for August. And....only 11 rides out of 31 days.....also not great. 

September isn't going much better. A whopping 4 rides out of 12 days so far. 3 of those rides have been in the basement. I have a race coming in 2 weeks. Ugh, not great.

So what seems to be the issue?

I really wish I knew. I could chalk it up to bad habits. Being lazy. Lack of discipline. No motivation. Some weather. The list of excuses is never ending. I just can't seem to get going. Its not like my rides are going bad. I had a great ride with friends on Kal-Haven. I had a solid ride at Cannonsburg Ski area. My Zwift rides are all stable. I have even been going after routes with more climbing. 

But here I am.....

Weigh has fluctuated a bit. Nothing major, but its never good to see an uptick when you are trying to lose. Before you start harping on me about how "weight will fluctuate so just keep going" I already know. I have seen 4 pound gains from water weight. I have seen weeks where 7 pounds have come off too. My weight is directly related to what garbage I have been ramrodding into my stomach. Nothing good. I do great for a minute, but then I find myself eating ice cream. Then the next night its more. And more, and more and more junk. One little trigger where a sweet is allowed in.....and it feels like the flood gates open. 

This, I fully understand, is due to my lack of mental fortitude. My emotional state has been all over the place. Why am I being lazy and heading to the basement instead of outside in this gorgeous weather? I don't know. Laziness I suppose. Just easier to gear up and head to the bike than it is to load up, drive somewhere, and enjoy the outside. Its dumb really. All winter i want to get outside. Now I can be outside and I choose to head to the boring trainer. 

I do love being out there. My ride with Lisa was great. We did some Allegan State game area trails. Was good to hang with my sister and get some miles in. The Kal-Haven ride with Brian, Jay, and Scott was also great. The weather was awesome and the company just as good. Even my suffering ride at Cannonsburg was good. The ride at Merrell was solid. I have felt just fine on the bike. Maybe not as strong as I would like, but comfortable with how the rides have gone. 

What I do know is that I have had some additional stress these past few months. While that stress is starting to go away, I know I did a terrible job of managing it. Instead of powering thru, I let old habits resurface. Extra snacks on the way home from work. Snagging something out of the vending machine at work instead of eating what I bring from home. Letting those habits that landed me at 3 bills show their ugly fucking faces again. 

This week, I did finally put a stop to that. I had to. Empty calories are stupid. They are stupidly atrocious worthless life sucking and delicious. Bad combo. I made much better choices this week. I avoided the vending machine at work. I didn't stop to or from work for anything. I did get gas yesterday, and I grabbed a non sugar drink along with a beef stick. Better choice than a pop and bag of chips or candy bar. 

It has just been a struggle. I am hanging in there. My weight is a byproduct of my effort. My effort has been lacking. My effort is lacking because of my mental state. My mental state has been trash because I allowed it to. Instead of fighting, I let it sink in like a comforting hug. It is the path most chosen. Least resistance. Downhill. Easy.

....but its the wrong path.

Now I am here looking at the valley walls trying to make a plan to get out. I will not get stuck here. I will find a way to climb my way out. 

In the Dark Knight movie Bruce falls into a well. His dad eventually makes it there to rescue him. He asks a very important question....

"Why do we fall Bruce?"

The answer is "So we can learn how to pick ourselves up"

I am still learning. We will fall many times. We just have to keep getting back up. Rocky did it time after time. No quit. Even when things seemed bleak. He got back up and kept swinging. I am right there. I am learning how to pick myself up again. I know its not easy. But I have to take it one day at a time.

But I gotta go....my ride is here......