14 Years.....dang

 

A little late on this post....but.....

How do you measure the impact that someone has on your life? Good or bad, people can set themselves firmly in your memory. Some have bigger memories, some have distinct stories, some made you laugh, some were teachers, some were family, some were friends, some would piss you off, and others were good examples of "what not to do".

Tim was all of these. He was taken away way too soon. But I am left with these memories that pop into my mind from time to time. There was a long time in my life that this man was my best friend. We did everything together. We built computers (well, I watched), we laughed, we did projects for Candy. We built a lot of my house. We went on family camping trips. He cooked his concoctions, I ate them. It was a good time.

Most importantly though, was the sport he got me into. Without Tim, there is a high probability that I wouldn't ride bikes like I do now. We were camping one weekend at Pioneer Park and there were kids out in the woods riding bikes. They were taking little jumps and having a riot. It looked like fun, so we went and got bikes from Wal-Mart. By the end of the weekend we had 2 bikes that were nearly un-rideable and we were hooked. Within a few months we both had our first real mountain bikes and we were off and running. Then one day this crazy idiot comes home with a flyer for Iceman. 

Having never heard of it, we started to look into it. We decided it would be a good family weekend getaway for both families and we headed up. Iceman...ha. It was 50 degrees that first year. I was wearing a cutoff t-shirt and basketball shorts. Eye opening to say the least. The next year, true to form, Iceman was in the 20's. We were better prepared with real riding clothes. That was a long long time ago.

As the years progressed Tim had a few major crashes. The one that was the worst was also closest to home. There was a cross country running trail behind the middle school here in town. We would go out and rip around just to ride. This day, there was a small tree down across the trail. For some reason, Tim planned to bunny hop it. Unfortunately for him, he didn't make it. This was before the days of gopro, or I would have some stellar crash footage. His rear wheel hooked, and he went around so fast that he couldn't get his hands off his bars. His front 180 was promptly stopped with his face. He was knocked out cold. The way his helmet was sitting had me worried he may have broken his neck. Thankfully it was just twisted from impact. (his helmet, not his neck). I could see blood dripping from his eye and he wasn't moving. After getting his 6'3" body untangled from the bike, I started to process his situation. We are a mile from home. He is knocked out. No phone. I decided I would stabilize him. Being that I had not had real training yet, I was going to roll him. I unbuckled his helmet (which I now know would have been bad if his neck was broken) and his eyes popped open.

He sat up and looked around. Then he stated "guess I didn't make it" and smiled. We started walking out of the wood and he decided riding would be faster. Mind you, we are less than a mile from our houses. We lived next door to each other. But, by the time we got home he couldn't remember what happened. I had told him around 3 times by the time we rolled into the driveway. Our wives (at the time) were there and were like...uh oh. I went to the ER with them because I was the only one that knew what happened. The doc came out after examining him and sat next to me in the waiting room. He looks me up and down and says "well you don't have a scratch on you....what the heck happened". So I explained and he just smiled and went back to stitch Tim's eye up. His glasses has gashed open his eyebrow. Oh, when he came back to consciousness in the woods and I told him his eye was bleeding, Tim proceeded to take his glove full of dirt to check.....thus filling the cut full of dirt. In hindsight, that probably slowed the bleeding. lol. What a mess.

Tim was never really ever much of a rider after that. He tried. He wanted to. He was just nervous and hesitant in his riding. That made it rough because riding tense can cause more crashes. Eventually he stopped fully and sold off all his gear. We did many "remember big timmy" rides after he passed. Those ended up turning into something other than what I had imagined and those too ceased. But I still remember them. I still remember Tim. I will never forget all the stories and laughs we had. I cannot believe it has been 14 years since you passed. Seems crazy to me. But here we are. Keep holding things down up there. Keep pushing those limits with the jokes. Keep the level of inappropriate right at the line where the fear of you crossing it is real. Keep watching over us all.

Thank you Brother, you know I couldn't have done it without you. 

When it all fell apart

I can't really put my finger on the exact moment, it was more of a gradual thing. Now its easy to look back and see what we all had, versus where we are now. Its way different now. Different in the fact that the faces have changed and the groups are smaller. Let me explain.

In 2015 it was great. We had a solid team with Custer Cyclery. I can't really even list off all of the people that I used to ride with. We spent a lot of time together at races, on long kal-haven rides, or just seeing each other in general. These group rides started as 3-4 people and eventually blossomed into 20ish people on some rides. Solid groups of all skill levels just riding along and enjoying everything from nature, to the ride, to the company. Those rides started to dwindle towards the end of Custer Cyclery. Then covid hit and drove a deeper wedge into the groups. No longer could we hang out in groups of 20 people, because people were either scared or they just used it as an excuse to continue the dissolving of the teams and groups. 

Maybe it was the evolution to Gravel racing from mountain bike racing. The MTB races are generally shorter and that gives people a reason to hang out afterwards. The gravel races being a bit long, and many many more people....meant that the people were all spread out. Sure there is a team tent, but at these events you could see less and less teammates every year. In all honesty, I did step away from any sort of team. I simply wasn't feeling it anymore. The team I was on just felt different. I have always felt like an outsider, but that feeling would grow every event. There was the usual suspects on the team that would offer their encouragement, but everyone else seemed to have their own agenda, and I did too. I wouldn't stay after races. I would just go to my car, clean up, and head home. Isolating. I did this because it all just felt different.  

I know part of this feeling I have is totally my fault. But, if I had to do it all over again I never would have gotten into a relationship with one of women in the friend group. When I eventually broke up with her, it destroyed my changes of being part of that group anymore. She was there long before I was, and while I had great relationships with many of the people.....I barely talk to any of them anymore. My staple friends are still around, but no longer are there group activities that I am invited to. By proxy, I am outside of the group anyway. Most of that group lives in and around the Kalamazoo area, and I live in Allegan. 

Still, part of it is just a natural progression. People lose interest in riding and move onto other hobbies. Some have sustained crashes that caused injures that add to their reasons for leaving. I get it, but I miss these people more than they know. Some of these people have been my biggest cheer leaders over the years. Life just moves us around and our priorities change. I do the same, I am no different. After raising 4 kids and going through a terrible divorce, I choose what I do. My kids are all 18 and out of the house now. That frees me up to make my own choices, and depending on circumstances, I choose to ride or spend time with Christine. Everyone has their lives. All all of our lives are not interconnected like they were when racing or a big group ride was the dominant attraction. 

It just falls apart.....and its all different now. That is ok. I am sure it will all change again someday. Maybe I join another team. Maybe I join group rides again. Maybe a small group of 2-3 riders will once again blossom into groups of 20. We don't know what will happen, but we can keep moving forward...

.....one pedal stroke at a time. 

Moving along

 The small victories come and go. Life is always ups and down.

Last night for example, I started not feeling the best. That has continued into today and I feel like I am dragging ass. I am hoping the coffee kicks in soon. 

I did get on the bike last night before I was feeling off. It wasn't a fast ride, but it was a ride. It was just about 35 minutes on Zwift. Not fast, not far, just a ride. I have to chalk this up in the small victory column. I didn't ride at all over the weekend. And a short ride is better than no ride. 

Legs feel pretty good, just no power. My attention is generally on my elbow. Just over 2 months removed from surgery and it is still healing. I know this is a long process, and I am doing my best to remember that I had a tendon reconnected and I should be grateful I can ride at all. The elbow starts to ache around the 20 minute mark. I have to keep adjusting my grip to try to alleviate the ache. I flex it back and forth too, trying to ensure circulation. By 30 minutes I am pretty much done. I had to keep going last night to complete my route, so ended up with about 35 minutes. Again, a tick in the plus column.

These short rides will help me build my base for 2025. 

Yes....2025.

I know its only July of 2024 and it seems like 'next year' is so far away, but it will be here before we know it. I mean, Barry Roubaix is only 38ish weeks away. lol. What a crazy thing to think about. I am sitting here thinking about events that are anywhere from 3/4 to a full year away. Bananas. However, I am thinking about these events because I know I have a lot of work to do. So knowing how long I have to get that work done is important. 

I am 1000% a numbers guy. I analyze everything. It gives me better vision on my long term goals. An example would be to complete the 62 mile course at Barry Roubaix. I fell way short in 2023, finishing just over 30 miles. Sure it was hot, and excuse, excuse excuse. Whatever the reason, I gave up and didn't finish. So, finishing the longer course is a big goal. I can build up to that over the nearly 9 months I have before crossing the start line. 

That means riding a lot. I do plan to. Just have to build up my strength so I can ride longer. It is a work in progress. Its only a few weeks until I should be cleared to ride normal. I will still have to take it somewhat easy as I won't be completely healed, but I will be able to be outside. That gives me 2 weeks to build up enough strength to handle an hour or more on the road. Slowly but surely I will get there. Just have to continue with the small victories every day. 

That does bring up another thought for me. I was watching a video from BR 62 from this year. It is Joseph Lampen's POV from the race. Link is here. In my events, I am generally alone. I ride with a few people in the beginning, but then it all dissipates and I am on an island. There are a few reasons. Mainly, I am not fast enough to keep up with the main group. That is ok, because the speeds and size of the group can make the ride sketchy. There are lots of smaller groups, and I can't hang with them either. Then there are the stragglers like me. People that get spit out of the groups and ride solo most of the event. My reason for not teaming up with these riders is that they simply lack the experience of 'group riding'. Many of the stragglers don't know how to work with another rider, let alone a group of riders. To do this takes some level of trust, and if a rider is squirrely I don't like to stay close. 

I want to be strong enough in 2025 to stick with one of the smaller groups. A group of people that can work together to get to the finish line. Could be 5 or 10. Doesn't matter. Just a group that understands how to work together, and that rides my pace. It makes the ride faster, shorter, and less boring. On many of my races I am alone. While that is ok, its better to have people around you. So, one of my goals is to hang with a faster group as long as I can. Maybe even the finish line. 

To do this....I have to keep laying the foundation blocks. One at a time. I will keep moving along. 

Small victory.....

Small victories have to be recognized. People on the outside that don't know what has been going on with me might not even have noticed that I have been off the bike since April 16th. 

Yeah, the last time I threw a leg over a bike was April 16th.....wow.

Well, my reasons here were known. I did have a real injury and real excuses. I still technically do. I am not cleared to ride until August. So, a few more weeks of waiting.

However, I was told I could ride the trainer. And I threatened for weeks that I would actually dust off the bike and get started again, I just never actually did. 

Finally....84 days later....I was back on the trainer. First pedal stroke in almost 3 months. Sheesh.

This was the small victory.

I pulled myself out of the hole I have been hiding in and forced myself to ride. Now, it wasn't long. It was only 30 minutes, but that is 30 minutes that I put toward my future self. A single step is always greater than not moving at all.

Then, last night I went down there again for another 30 minutes. Nothing super exciting. But you cannot build anything without a solid foundation. These small steps will be the stones that are laid to create the foundation for 2025. I know, I know! Its only JULY! But listen....my riding was scattered before I actually stopped. And my last winter wasn't great. So my foundation is weak. I will acknowledge this. 

While that foundation may be weak, it can be built up again (and again if needed). This is how everyone is. I am not really starting from scratch, I have the materials...I just need to do the work.

Continued small victories every day will start to add up. I had applied for a management position within my company. We couldn't agree to terms on salary, so I refused to take the job, or they rejected my counteroffer. Take it however you want, I was not in the best mood. I have had a few good days of eating leading into yesterday. With the stress levels high, I reached for the chips. But I put them back. Walked away and did something else for a bit. Then I came back in again and reached for them again. Nope, put those fuckers down. I put them down again and changed laundry. Distracted myself for a bit. Then it was around 5 and my stress was elevated again. Once again, I wandered to the chips and stood there looking at them. What will they hurt? I mean, I am already heavy....so what will have a bag of chips hurt. Thankfully, I was able to walk away one last time....leaving the chips right were they sat. Instead I had some peppers and some veggie dip. Before you scoff at the dip....its homemade and WAAAAAAAY better for me than the chips. While not perfect, I was able to be present in the moment and stop my binge style eating. Victory. 

Small or large....the victories need to be noted. I have ridden the bike 2 days in a row and I have avoided some of the comfort foods I normally attack in stressful moments. If I can keep having these victories I will continue to build and strengthen the foundation. It will never be perfect, but I can develop the habits to keep the foundation strong. Stay on the path to being happy and healthy. 

I am reading a book right now that addresses negative thinking, negative self talk, and self-destructive patterns. It is interesting to read through here and see things that I either currently do or have done in the past. Being able to reframe situations and how I respond to them will help with the foundation too. I know life won't be all sunshine and rainbows, but I am working on understanding what I have control over and how I can respond to everything else. One small step at a time.

I will get there....just like I got to the top of the Koko Crater in January. It was hard. But one step at a time I got closer. Even when I had to stop and rest, I was able to look back and see the progress. It can be done, and I have to keep telling myself that. 

Keep moving forward. 

Buckle up

I am sitting here on the couch in an empty house. I have "Race Across the Sky" playing on the tv. I pulled my riding gear out and cleaned out the bags. This was a long overdue task. I have a video uploading to youtube and it crosses my mind that I don't know where my external drive is at the moment. This external drive has all of my videos from the past few years on it....so it has some value (at least for me). I don't know why, I guess maybe I have just been putting stuff off lately. I cleaned out the bike bags, and put all the cables and battery packs back where they belong. Cleaning house so to speak. 

A lot of things have been put off. I won't lie....I have used the surgery as an excuse to let things go. I have been cleared to ride on the trainer, but I haven't. I had videos to edit...but I haven't. I have tires to set up tubeless, but I haven't. I have snacks to eat. That hasn't been a problem. 

However, there is a problem. Me. I got lazy. I got lazy fast. With the laziness and extra intake of snacks, I have added some mass. I would love to say it was muscle mass, but its just a fat mass. Being off the bike and dealing with depression is a lethal combo for me. I am what would be described as a textbook "Emotional Eater". Happy...eat. Sad...eat. Bored....eat. Stressed....eat. Horny....you get the idea. 

Unfortunately as this year has worn on the scale has shown an increase in gravity. So I am feeling and looking a lot like this friendly character, Beta Max. 

Not good. Not good at all. I am reminded of what comes with the additional weight. Harder to get up off my ass. General discomfort in all areas of the body. Even my hands are swollen. Overall, I just feel like fucking shit. So my mood turns to 'fuck it' and I eat more. Making it worse instead of better. 

But....this is how I have operated for 20 years. I lose some weight. I gain it back. I hang out at a weight for a while and then I gain again. For those that know me this has been my history. Gain. Get motivated and lose. Let it go off the rails and gain again. Repeat. Its stupid really. 

This is why I am my own worse enemy. I alone control what goes into my body. I make the choices to either pile in empty calories or to grab vegetables instead. I have always said that if I won the lottery I would hire someone to follow me around and knock shit out of my hand that I shouldn't be eating. 

But....here I am....and it is what it is. Just a continuing cycle of damage being done to my body. I am roughly a month away from being cleared to ride outside again. I have mentioned multiple times in the past 2 weeks that I am "thinking about getting on the bike" or "I should get on the trainer"....and those thoughts are followed by an hour on the couch instead of the bicycle. The downward spiral continues...

But enough about me. 

A couple of weeks ago I had friends racing at the Lumberjack 100. While each of these two friends had different outcomes, I am still proud of them for their efforts. Lisa had a decent first lap, but just wasn't feeling it. I take full responsibility for this. We planned on doing the LJ100 together again. Especially after the frame fiasco and her just missing the cutoff in 2023. I am still super proud that she made a 2nd attempt after knowing how rough it was last year. 

Tom on the other hand, had a great day. He finished his first attempt with a very solid (and frankly shocking) time. I was shocked because he isn't much of a mountain biker. He loves gravel. There is enough fire roads and 2-tracks in LJ for Tom to be successful. Very awesome job my friend. However, it was the next weekend that gathered more attention. The Coast 2 Coast gravel grinder was the following weekend.

Again, many friends up there for this event. But while many were bailing out due to thunderstorms and heavy rain, Tom stuck to his goal of the 200 mile course. I watched his tracker and saw he had a great pace to the first and second aid stations. Then, at the 3rd there was no updated when I expected. After glancing at the weather I understood why. It was dark green and red across the entire area he was riding in. I waited. Shot him a text of good luck, and waited some more. The carnage was real. The hundred mile races were arriving back and just looking like a mess. Then, an update. The rain had slowed him, along with everyone else, down. I couldn't imagine the conditions...let alone having to ride along in them. I would check in every one in a while to see where he was. Eventually, finishers started to cross the line. And then he made it. Even with the terrible conditions he had a great finish. He even took 1st in his category. Very awesome my friend. Be proud of your efforts, regardless of the cost that was incurred.

So why do I bring up these friends. They are the ones that have ridden with the most in the last year or two. When I can ride again, these are the people I will be joining. Slowly at first, but I will get stronger and lighter every week. Eventually.....I will be strong enough to keep up. 

But that lands me here.....nearly a year away from the 20th Edition of the Lumberjack 100. I pulled the image below from the LJ100 Facebook page.

It is 50 weeks until this event. That seems like a long way off, but we know how fast time moves these days. That means I have time to get to work. But that the work I must start now to get to where I want to be. Silly right.....to think I have to go through the rest of summer, winter, and spring before this event should even be on my radar.....but it is right now. 

So, I am going to attempt to get to work again. Start building the base that I need to achieve my goal. My goal? Well.....there are many. 

Long term:

1. Discipline. Be disciplined with small daily goals that will help me reach my long term goals. 

2. Get healthy. I head that way from time to time. But I need to continually work to get there.

2. With 2 comes an obvious goal of losing weight. This is a NEED as well as a goal. 

3. Finish LJ100 again. Goal times aside, Finishing will be a long term goal. So I can focus on riding and losing weight to get across the finish line.

4. Read a book each month. Doesn't matter what book. just something.

Short term: 

1. Discipline

2. Ride. 

2. Eat good.

3. Lose weight.

4. Read 20 minutes a day. 

Seems like a simple recipe right? Start each day fresh. Meaning, if I have a bad day on Tuesday, don't let it ruin Wednesday. Wake up every day with a set of goals to achieve for that day. Developing the habit of being consistent. 

I really should be grateful. Grateful to have the opportunity to do anything in my life. Grateful I can get on a bike and pedal. Grateful to be alive after the saddle PE back in 2019. Simply stated, I let the daily grind wear me down. Then I don't do what I need to do to ensure I can combat that daily grind. Instead, I grind myself further into the dirt. I am there so often that I begin to believe its where I am destined to be. I know I don't belong in the dirt......but we all find ourselves here sometimes. The key is....I can't stay there. 

The climb starts now.

 

Remember 2019

 Something made me think back to the year 2019 today. Not sure, but it took me on an interesting path.

Just about 5 years ago I was sitting in a hospital bed not knowing whether I was going to live or die. Literally. Standing on the brink of death. As I said, not sure sure what took me back to that time I spent in the hospital, but if you care do go back and look you can here. (CLICK)

Maybe I am where I am mentally revisiting that journey because of words a friend of mine gave me. 

Hey Sean….read your post and am sorry you are going through so much.  I am certainly not trying to play anything down that you are going through, but I know the tough side of you and you can and will prevail.

My journey from 6 months ago and a month in the surgical ICU at UofM has changed me forever.  I have never been good in the patience department, but have learned it finally.  I am sending a pic of where I was with the vent being removed to see if I would respond.  Just like you I have persevered.  You went through a lot of stuff several years ago and that was in the back of my mind.

If you ever want to jaw, hang out, ride or whatever….I will be available my friend.

Perspective. As bad as things seem, they can be worse. My friend above here had a brush with death. He was, in all honesty, closer to heading home than I was. I am thankful he didn't. And I am very thankful for his words above. 

So yes, I nearly died. Well, I was closer to death than I have ever wanted or planned to be. I am thankful that I was able to survive that ordeal. One would think that taking a blood thinner every day would be a stark reminder of that time in the hospital, but taking the meds is more of a habit than a 'lifesaver' in my eyes. Still, my brain went back there.

At the time I didn't fully understand it. Looking at it now I can remember talking to a nurse there and her telling me how serious it was. But memories fade and we forget. I forgot how I felt sitting in that room, waiting for something exciting to happen. Nothing did. Eventually I just went home. But I find myself in that same position....sitting here waiting for something exciting to happen. 

It reminded me of a Bone Thugs and Harmony lyric where he says 

"There are 3 types of people...

those who wonder what happened....

those who know what happened....

and the people that make it happen..."

Only I can make it happen. I have to do the work. I have to get out and ride. I have to drop the weight. I have to make it exciting. 

Its like this pic here....

You can have all the gear. You can talk a big game. But its truly only exciting when you are out there making it happen. We all have bad days. Times when we just want to say "fuck it" and still the itch at the back of my mind exists....a gnawing ping that tells me to get on the bike. Granted, I have somewhat of an excuse with a surgery recovery. But, I cant use that to avoid the trainer. Especially when the doctor told me I could use the trainer....even though I haven't. 

There is chaos as usual. We have that in life. But I believe as long as we don't quit that we can keep fighting our way back. Or even just fighting ourselves out of a hole that we dug. I am still here afterall, even after all the times I have wanted (and tried) to quit. 

So, I find out Friday when I can 'ride for real' again. I am ready to get out there and work my way back out of the hole I have dug. No reason to dwell. I have a pile of excuses I can use. But that has to end. As I said in my post yesterday, Discipline will be my friend. We need to be locked together like conjoined twins. Inseparable. 

Working on new idea for this silly blog, the facebook page, and the youtube channel. If you guys have anything you would like to see, or any ideas.....let me know. Until then, keep the rubber side down. 

On the downward spiral

What have I done?

Nothing. That is exactly the problem. 

It is also not entirely true. I have done more damage to myself, in the form of weight gain again. I have used my tendon surgery as a crutch and an excuse to pile massive amounts of garbage into my system while simultaneously sitting on my ass and doing nothing. 

Junk in + lazy = high mass.

I can tell too. Clothes are tight. Body aches. General lethargy. Its a really great feeling. Not. 

So, I find myself once again on the downward spiral. When I had surgery I honestly didn't think I would miss riding as much as I have. But I do. I have watched friends riding, training, and doing races that I would normally do. It made me want to ride.

But...I haven't gotten clearance from the doctor. Which is also a half truth. I have a follow up this Friday, but I sent my doc a message last week. I wanted a time frame when I can ride again. From my research I should be back to normal activity 3 months after surgery. Which is August. still a month and a half away. Doc said that I cannot ride yet, but that I can ride the stationary bike. They don't want me using the 'fast twitch' actions that cycling can have. It makes sense I guess, because slow and methodical actions are all I can do. Anything quick and I feel that instant reminder that I am not healed yet. So, I can ride the trainer.

But that was just last week, and I found reasons to not get on the bike again. Weird how motivation works. When I can't ride I want to....and when I can...I don't make the effort. Strange.

The other factor that drives that decision is my mood. In general, I am doing ok. There are many life factors going on at the moment, but we can only take them as they come. One day at a time.

One pedal stroke at time. 

Once again I find myself starting over. Not really starting from scratch, but starting from a familiar place where I just haven't done much in a few months. I will start back slow. Every day I need to get on the bike, even for a short time. Just get the body moving again. I plan to eat better, again. I plan to do a lot of things, and I just need to find the motivation to stay on course.

Motivation. Interesting. That might not be the best word. The word I NEED in my life is DISCIPLINE. I need to be disciplined in my life. Much like getting up and going to work everyday, I need to be disciplined enough to pass on the junk food, to choose fruit instead of cookies, and remind myself "what good will this food do if I put it into my body". What is my goal? I need the discipline to stay on point with eating and riding and reading and understanding that there is only one way to get where I want to be. 

I need to do the work. I alone control what happens. I keep coming back to where I currently am. I guess I am comfortable here. But I am unhappy here. So I have to start the climb out of the hole yet again. Stop going on the downward spiral and take control.

Here we go.....again.