Look....we need to talk. Like....put that donut down because this is serious kind of talk.
Okay, do I have your attention.....no....no...NO....stop touching that.
FOCUS.
Finally....thank you for your undivided attention. The reason I am calling you all together today is to discuss our current situation. Due to piss poor decisions by the brain and stomach in recent months I have been forced to drag your lazy ass around on the bike. Arms and hands....you really think this has nothing to do with you? You are just as much to blame because you are the shuttle that puts that garbage in the mouth.....then the mouth just aimlessly chews whatever is there.
You guys....the only one of you on my side in the last ride we had.....was the lungs. Well, the lungs and the heart. Because if the heart gives up hope then the rest of us are just screwed. And don't think I don't hear the stomach and intestines joking about the "events" we have been having since November. You think that is funny....why don't you ask the colon how it feels. Yeah, piss the colon off once and see just how bad the rest of us feels. It isn't funny to send acid rockets to the colon and expect it to still be our friend. Thankfully I could get us to a restroom fast enough....ugh.
Anyway, we are in rough shape gang. The brain...hey....you have held it together during major life changing stress moments when the rest of us didn't want to continue. Kudos. The heart, dog....you just keep beating to your own rhythm. Well done on keeping the blood pressure down and not causing other issues as we fall apart. The lungs. Where do I start? You have always struggled. Been held down by an abdominal cavity so full you feel like you cannot inflate to your potential. Still, you do what you can in the space provided. Well done.
Now.....the bad news kids. As well as the brain did to hold this shit together....the coping mechanisms were not the right ones. Not by a long shot. You teamed up with the arms and stomach to make a long string of terrible nutritional decisions. In turn, the rest of us suffer. Honestly, we all suffer. Don't you see what it is doing. The core muscles cannot hold us ups straight....or postures is awful....think Quasimodo from Hunchback of Notre Dame. Granted we are not that far yet, but we are approaching it.
I, the legs, had this realization on the third sister of the Barry-Roubaix last Sunday. The lungs and heart couldn't get me the oxygen I needed to haul your dumb asses up that hill. Well, because we have been laying on the couch eating chips and cookies I don't have the freaking strength to do it....so then....we walk. Guess what friends....this makes all of us look bad. You know people point. They stare. Little kids cry out in horror "why is that huge sausage walking with a bicycle". Admit it....we need to fire this thing up and work together...because I can't do it alone.
So, I simply ask this of the brain. Overpower the stomach. Don't let the stomach decide to dump thousands of empty calories in. If the left arm brings a brownie up to the mouth....either don't the mouth open or make the right hand knock that brownie down to the floor so I can stomp on it. I get it, I really do.....they are delicious. But if we don't get nutrition sorted out and learn discipline we are going to be in the same boat year after year.....and it is sinking.
I loved the feeling of all of us working together to get this guy across the finish line at Lumberjack 100 in 2015. But then we went thru some tough times. I didn't speak up because I thought it was just a phase. Clearly I was wrong. I showed us what we are capable of on the training session the other night. Felt good right? Lets take control of this dude and get him into race shape. Lets get him competitive this year. Lets get him some confidence. Because lets face it.....the better this guy we are attached to is...the better we all are.
Now....lets go....
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