Believe.....

A few years ago I used my anger to fuel my training. With every pedal stroke I pictured the face of my enemy. Then there was multiple people on the list. It might sound funny....but proving someone wrong can be a huge motivator. It just happened.

Sure I skip rides....2 already this week. No excuses other than I just have to figure out how to train with the way my body and digestive tract decides to work. Some days will be better than others...and I just need to swap days from a training day to a rest day when the body disagrees. This....is a basic fundamental of training. Some days you just don't have it.

But back to the "prove them wrong" list. I did it in 2015. I proved a person so wrong....that they talked to me for the first time in 3 years....by congratulating me after I finished the LJ100. I am reminded of Marvin from Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy when I think of this particular person.....because he would give advice and repeat the advice...and I would never listen.

It was only after he stopped giving it and walked away from me with "you will never get there" attitude that I gained some perspective.....which turned into a spiteful focus. I had the following thoughts:

First was "how dare he be truthful about my actions"

Which led to "I don't fucking need your help asshole"

Turning into "fuck, maybe he was right....I do need to change"

Finally arriving at "I will be successful....just to prove to you that I can do it"

But in turn, this led to me believing more in myself than anyone else ever could have. Confidence. I gained so much over that time period...but then it all shattered. I allowed myself to fall back into where I was before....just slogging thru with no goals or belief in myself.

The pic above is from my very first Barry Roubaix ride. I wasn't ready....but I had people around me that believed I was ready and pushed me try...pushed me to believe....pushed me to succeed. Those people are still around, but my negativity has pushed them to a point where I don't know if they believe in me any more than I believe in myself.

Today, a few minutes ago, I just got pissed off enough to do what it takes again. Diet. Training. Life. Time to get ahold of the reigns and guide this horse. A guy that it big into Cross-fit was chatting with another guy at lunch about working out. They were talking about plans and when they squeeze workouts into their schedule. I smiled and said "mine is a mess, but I am getting back on track" to which the one guy responds "I have known you for a long time and you are all talk". Snap. Called me right out....right in front of witnesses and everything. 

I won't do what I am going to do for him....or to prove him wrong. I will do this for myself first. Proving him wrong will be the icing on the cake (which I won't be eating because I am tired of being fat)