Resetting

I realize I haven't posted in a long time, and here is why.

Life.....as usual.

But this time.....the wrenches were bigger. The hills were steeper. The walls were higher.

So, where to start.....I guess....last year.

In November I made the long overdue decision to separate from my wife of nearly 20 years. We started a trial separation and I got a small apartment. We actually went on our 20 year anniversary dinner, which was strange and sorta awkward. Anyway, I decided to change it to a divorce in December and it was officially filed. We still celebrated the holidays together for the kids, and things went very well. No issues.

So you can guess, my stress is pretty high. In turn, I only rode a few times over the past few months. I hit the trail in the snow a few times, even did an event in January. But then my riding fell off and I slid deeper into a life of stress and depression. The unknown and I don't get along very well. I prefer to know exactly what is happening all the time and exactly how things will end. At this point in my life I was totally out of control.

I did a few rides and was just having trouble breathing, but it felt really good to be out. The breathing got worse, so I went to doc for an inhaler. Gave that a shot, and it never really seemed to work. One lonely Friday I headed out for a solo ride at Luton Park. I made it about half a mile before my lungs were giving out and my heart rate was super high. Understanding this isn't right, I took the inner loop back to the car. Even that was highly difficult because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I managed to get to the car and to sit down right before passing out. Thankfully I didn't, but it took me 15 minutes in full AC for me to recover enough to get the bike on the car. 2 whopping miles, and I felt like I was going to die. Clearly, something was wrong.

A little history, I did notice that I was more huffy than normal when I would get to the top of the stairs at my apartment. Yeah, I am a big guy but a flight of stairs never bothered me before. Now it was. Laundry up and down the stairs was a chore. So the signs were developing. That weekend after I rode and was miserable I started to feel ok. Sunday up the stairs was rough, so I emailed the doc the next day. Monday night I dropped off my girls with their Mom and my youngest wouldn't get out of the car. She kept sitting there and talking. I believe she was thinking something was awry with me, that I just didn't seem right. When I got to the top of the stairs this time.....I knew something was wrong. Felt like I was going to pass out and simply couldn't get a breath in.

So I made the appointment and headed in. The next series of events was fairly eye opening. Here it goes:

• Get to doc and get signed in.
• Get called back for vitals.
• Oxygen is at 85% and heart rate is at 120 (NOT GOOD for a short walk)
• Took me into room and ran EKG
• Nurse showed Doc EKG, ran another EKG.
• Nurse left to show Doc
• Doc returns and asks if I am having chest pains
• tells me "don't freak out, but we are going to give you some asprin and put you on oxygen"
• lays me down on bed and states that Ambulance is on the way
• So....heart attack? YIKES
• Nurse arrives with baby asprin and oxygen
• wait patiently for Ambulance
• in hindsight, I knew something was wrong....so I was fairly relaxed at this point because I was at a doctor office. 
• Ambulance arrives
• load me on bed
• start IV.....I didn't pass out (HIGH FIVE)
• Ambulance makes the 6 mile trek to Mercy Health in Grand Rapids.
• Paramedics roll me into Room 21 of the Emergency Room.
• They ask if I want to be drug to the next bed or if I can move.
• Not being lazy, I got up and moved from one bed to the other. A whopping 6 feet
• Oxygen tanks and heart rate spikes again
• ER Doc thanks me for showing her what my symptoms were and not having to describe them.
• They say "you are pretty sick sweetheart"
• Nerves now a bit tenser
• Doc orders a bunch of tests and they draw a SHIT TON of blood. (thankfully they used the IV)
• 15 minutes pass and I get carted to CT
• Radiologist (I think that is what they are called) tells me they will put Iodine in me and it will feel like I am going to piss my pants.
• They put me in CT
• Scan 1
• Scan 2
• Ok, we are adding the iodine
• Slow.....warm feeling from head down to my....I AM PISSING MY PANTS!!!!!
• I wasn't, but he also wasn't kidding. What a feeling that was.
• CT Scan done, back to Room 21 in the ER
• 15 more minutes pass
• I hear the nurses station taking bets on "what is wrong with 21"
• I perk up because.....that is my room
• I hear them say "wow thats huge" and can only assume they are talking about my............brain (get your mind out of the gutter)
• Doctor enters room with nurse
• Doc is telling me that I have a saddle pulmonary embolism. In other works, a big fucking blood clot in my lungs....both of them.
• Nurse is fairly frantic in the room slamming drawers and dropping stuff
• (this makes me more nervous because she had a sense of urgency she didn't have before)
• While talking to Doc more the nurse gets her wits and starts IV in other arm
• Shortly thereafter a slow drip of clear blood thinner was being streamed into my body.
• Then, ultrasound came and got me
• Did an ultrasound on both legs
• Found another clot in right leg
• Took me from there right upstairs to my room
• Next morning they did a Heart Eko to ensure my heart didn't have any damage. (at this point we know it was strained, but unclear if there will be any damage)
• Sat there for 4 days and finally got sent home.

Basically, I could have died if I had pushed it any further than I did. Doc told me that "chances are if you had pushed it another week that you would not have made it to hospital alive". Well, if that isn't a kick in the life button I really don't know what is. I was off work for the next 2 weeks and was researching what the hell was exactly going on with me. One issue....they can't test my blood for coagulation disorders....because of the blood thinners. Which I am grateful for, because they have me alive. ugh. 

Anyway, add the near miss stress on top of marital stress which is compounded with life stress and....yeah....I am very grateful to be alive today. 

Since the blood thinners I have ridden a few times. 3 rides on the trainer and then 2 outside rides. I rode 2 laps at Riley and felt better than I have in a long time. So I decide to push it and ride 20 on Sunday at Kal-Haven. That went off without a hitch. So, I am working my way back with some potential big plans for 2020 depending on what the doctors say. I can do normal activities....just have to be careful not to bleed to death. 

This Monday I went to doc to check some swelling in my hand, just the right one. They are sending me to another ultrasound on Friday to see if there is a clot there too. If so, the thinners should be working and I don't know if anything else will happen with that. But, if there is.....I will be sent to a fancy hematologist, or a blood doctor. They will work with me to figure out what is going on. I want to get to the bottom of it, because I feel so much better and don't want any repeat hospital visits. ugh.

Today some of my stress was relieved. My divorce was officially final as of this morning. So my stress will be changing and I plan to get back on the bike and do some adventuring. If both people that read this are interested.....hit me up for a slow ride. I am truly starting from scratch again. For those that don't give a rip about my personal life....sorry for wasting your time. 

See you all soon. Reset 2.0 has begun