Confidence is waning.....

 

I am all over the place lately. Fort Custer Stampede I rode strong. Hanson Hills 50 I started strong, and tanked the second lap. This past Saturday at The Dirty Donut I had 30 solid miles before the issues started to arise and I struggled the whole second half. Yes, solid efforts. Yes I am riding stronger than I have been. But I am questioning my endurance. 

Custer was strong because it was short. Hanson I hit that 30 mile mark and started to waver. I was having some bike issues that were mentally drilling me, but I dropped 30 minutes from first lap to second lap. Saturday it was like a switch at 30 miles. My mind wanted to go, but mentally I couldn't push any harder. 

With Lumberjack in less than 2 weeks I feel like my confidence is going in the wrong direction. I have started to question my sanity on making the decision to sign up again knowing I barely rode in 2022....added to a lower mileage post covid 2021 when I was actually riding decent. If my endurance is only allowing me to ride hard for 30ish miles I really don't know what I am going to do for 100. I believe I can do it...because I have done it before. However, I am believing less and less the closer the LJ100 gets. 

The image above really jumped out to me today. I have that piece of paper in my hand and I can't find the scissors. My self-doubt has always been an issue for me. I wander back and forth between being a confident rider and telling myself that someone my size has no reason to even try to ride bikes. Negative self talk is beyond reason for me. Barry Roubaix took me to that dark place not too long ago. I was grateful that Chris talked me out of it...and I haven't been there since. That doesn't mean those thoughts are not standing outside the door waiting for me. Or maybe a better analogy is that they are waiting in the shadows and they are ready to attack me like the boogey man.

I waffle back and forth to whether riding is fun or more of a chore. For my health it has been great. For my mental health a bike ride always helps. But a ride..not a race. Its a kick in the teeth for me to watch people in jean shorts, tennis shoes, and t-shirts go blasting past me like I am sitting still. I know I shouldn't compare myself to anyone....but I have been riding a long time and being honest...I am just fucking slow. The start of Dirty Donut I got dumped before we even left the school grounds. How? How can I ride 60 miles but just be like a fright train. Sure I will get there someday....but I am carrying enough supplies to feed a large village in the middle of nowhere. Those people will be glad to see me, but they will be like "what took you so long?". When I have friends that barely ride that blast away like a bullet train and are home, showered, and spending time with their families when I am 10 miles from the finish. 

I literally got a text asking me where I was when I was still that far from the end. Nobody was left on the course but me....other than some donut eating people. I was pretty much alone with my thoughts. Those thoughts continue to build until I start to question my judgement on what I am actually doing. I think of the line in 'V for Vendetta' when she asks V "are you like a crazy person?". Honestly....I have to have some wires crossed to attempt the stuff that I attempt. When I signed up for Lumberjack I was literally over 300 pounds. What crazy idiot thinks that is a good idea? This one apparently. 

I do feel like this could go either way right now. I have people in my corner. Asking me how things are going. Keeping me on track. Watching my training. I don't know what all of them believe...whether I can finish this major goal or not. I know they are cheering for me. Is that enough? I know I don't want to let people down.....but letting them down is less important than letting myself down. Its not like I am gonna just bail and not try it. But with a cutoff time looming I do have concerns. 

This quote is on my wall right next to my desk. I have not reached my goals. I have reached others. This last one was a pretty major miss in my eyes. I have a list of excuses as long as Rapunzel's hair that I can rattle off for what I believe was the reason on Saturday. Wanna hear what I try to tell myself?

1. It was hot. Yes, temps sucked but everyone was riding in it.

2. The gravel wasn't the greatest. Yes, but everyone was riding in it.

3. I didn't have enough caloric intake. Yes I know this was a minor issue but not a root cause.

4. My feet started to hurt. This one is legit...but why...its never been an issue before. 

5. The gopro died. It distracted me from my race foucs.

6. There was nobody around.....where did everyone go? Maybe I missed a turn

7. The bike wasn't shifting the best

8. almost crashed 4 miles in....so my corners were nervous

9. Nobody was at the aid stations...

10. the bottled water was warm

11. the headwind

12. my deraileur cable was scratching my leg

13. some dickhead in a Telsa was too busy gawking that I nearly broadsided his car...

14. had to stop for that car....

15. an oncoming car almost wiped me out because another ride was standing right in the middle of the road at the last aid station

16. The baseball players were crossing the road at the finish area....

17. Maybe it was the ice cream I ate when I was 10.....

I can stretch it to anything. At the end of the day....my performance was just not what I wanted it to be. Yes the heat was a factor...I am a 260 pound guy. But all those other factors don't matter. Everyone rode the same gravel in the same heat with the same conditions. First place was over 2 hours ahead of me. Literally the were probably already home and showered before I finished....and they live over an hour away from the race venue. Its stupid. But yes....carrying between 60 and 80 extra pounds around is likely why I am 10mph slower (on average) than the winner. And that is nobody's fault but my own. I doubt anyone reading this knew me when I was 180. That was almost 24 years ago. It has been many years of self destruction with food. Only this year have I managed to get my eating under control and drop to my current weight. I am the lightest I have been since 2015....which ironically enough was the last time I did LJ100.

This quote is also on my wall. I came across it one day and had to get it...because I believe it hit me at the right time. That bullshit story is a book of excuses for every situation in our lives. I can justify anything I do. Example, I can eat this apple pie because the carbs will be good for me at the race. Or, I can have this ramen because I am hungry and am tired of eating vegetables. Stupid shit like that is how I ended up tipping the scale at over 300lbs. So when I ran across this quote I knew I had to put it on my wall. Its a reminder that I will never get where I want to be as long as I lie to myself. Its a 'pull your head out of your ass' type of thing. Tired of the sanity of repeating the same thing over and over and not getting anywhere. Thankfully with all of this my eating has been good. A little cheat here and there, but still consistent losses for most weeks. 

Its the mental side that is taking a beating again. The oppressive nature of the "never be good enough" that was hammered into me a kid just comes around when I feel like this. Actually just had that realization a few minutes ago. Dropped 45 pounds....been riding more.....still not good enough. And that is likely why I am struggling. Childhood bullshit. But....that was a long time ago and I know I can move past it. However...a memory just crept in from my first ever cross country 5k race I did when I was in high school. I trained. I ran with my step-dad. We peaked for the race. I was confident until the race started and I watched the entire group (other than one guy) run around the corner and disappear. I came in 2nd to last. Confidence blown.....and I have barely done any running since. I was maybe 15. So sitting here typing this I had a little break thru as to why that situation bothers me. Feeling like no matter what I do it isn't good enough and being bothered by watching the pack run (or ride away) is deep rooted. Damn. 

That leads me to the image below. I am always harder on myself than anyone ever could be. Likely a side-effect of 'not good enough' mentality I was raised with. Even though I was the most athletic and legit smartest person in the house at the age of 17. An no, not kidding. My parents couldn't help me with my high school work even though they were both college educated. And I was beating both of them in golf, swimming, a better water skier, better runner, baseball, horseshoes or fucking yard jarts. Remember those....I can't believe we never took an eye out. But because of that they pushed me to be better and their thoughts were that it wasn't good enough. #2 varsity golfer as a senior....why not 1st? Took 8th in a tournament....why not top 5? Got a spike deer.....why didn't you get the 8 point? I promise you, it was never good enough and I don't fully understand why. 

Just know that I fight with the person I see in the mirror every day. Some days I win, some days I lose.