2019 is finally over....

No, this isn't another HERE ARE MY GOALS post, because those just get old. This is a major reflecting type of post for this year....and you probably get sick of those too, but lets carry on. 

(and one more thing, this post is about life....not riding bikes)

As with any story you need a place to start. Mine starts at a new residence that I had been in for less than two months. An old building built in 1903 with thin walls and lots of laughter. I stood on the fire escape with total strangers and watched the ball drop before the fireworks were flying. As I sat down that night....eh...morning...I could hear a hoard of people coming up the stairs. We talked, laughed, and drank until nearly 3am. I was still married on this day. But the year started off well enough.

Time progressed. The road bike never left the trainer this year. I rode a bit the first part of the year, but miles started to dwindle. Motivation was gone. Life was busy. Hectic. Chaotic. Focusing on what had to be done instead of what wanted to be done was how life went. Without the bike, the weight went back up and the health started to decline. Climbing the massive flight of stairs started to become difficult. Short of breath and light headed at the landing made me want to ride. So I did. A few times. One of my last rides of the first half of the year was at Luton Park. I was feeling pretty good, even though I was highly aware I was out of shape. This ride was different. Less than half a mile in I could barely get any oxygen. Heart rate was high, breathing was awful. Hoping I was just out of shape I still decided to cut the ride short. I took the inner loop straight back to the car for less than 2 miles of riding. My average speed, under 5. I basically was walking the entire way back to the car, unable to get any oxygen into my system. Sean needs cardio was the thought. As I got back to the car I cranked the AC and sat there for 10 minutes before even changing or loading up the bike. Something isn't right....

I got home and unloaded the bike, hauling it up the stairs nearly killed me. I sat and did nothing pretty much the rest of that weekend. I did go to the store and noticed the trip back up the stairs was again horrific. Nearly collapsing on the table I decided it was time to call the doctor. I headed to work that Monday and noticed I had labored breathing walking from my car to my desk. When I sat down I immediately called and made an appointment....for the next day. That night I took the stairs slowly and it was better, but the nerves made it difficult to sleep. What is wrong? And I just out of shape? Is my heart failing? resting heart rates look fine, but the rates spike when I walk...what is going on. Maybe its nothing, just a rough year. We will see. Tomorrow is another day.

I rolled into the doctor office at 11am. The nurse called me back and took my vitals. Blood pressure was normal, weight was normal, oxygen....85% and heart rate was 125. I kinda smiled and said "that is why I am here, I feel fine but something seems awry". We headed back and she  set me up for an EKG. Fuck, it is my heart. That can't be a heart attack, I feel fine now that I am sitting. She runs the quick test and leaves the room. I hear her chatting wit the doc and he says to run it again. She calmly runs it again and leaves the room. Doc comes in to talk to me. Asks me how I am feeling. Nurse comes in with aspirin and oxygen tank. Doc says to relax and ambulance is on the way. I just smile, take the aspirin and get hooked up to the oxygen. It is my heart. Fuck. I calmly wait for EMS to get there and get my first ever ride in an Ambulance. Arriving in the ER they plant me firmly in room 21 just outside the nurses station is buzzing with activity. Doc and nurse watch me move from gurney to bed and instantly have looks of concern. ER Doc says "you are pretty sick honey"....and she talks to the nurse in hospital lingo about tests. Within 15 minutes I was being wheeled to get a CT scan. They did an iodine contrast and that was an interesting sensation. If you have never had this done it literally feels like you are going to piss your pants. Thankfully I didn't, but I swear I was close. Back in room 21 with the oxygen flowing I am just trying to relax and see what the doctor says. I hear some chatter at the nurses station and someone say "anyone have any bets on 21?" so I perk up....because HEY that is me! And I hear "that is huge"....to which I wasnt sure if I should be worried....or say thank you. ;)

At any rate, the nurse comes flying in with the doctor on her heels. The nurse is fairly frantic as she jams the second IV into my right arm while the Doc explains. You have a pulmonary embolism, a rather large blood clot. We are starting you on blood thinners. Ok, so it wasn't my heart....well...kinda but not really. So, I have a ginormous blood clot in my lungs. Yes, lungs...not just one...but it stretches to both of them...roughly the size of a softball. At this point, I don't really know what will happen other than the blood thinners. So, kudos to the Mercy Health St. Marys in Grand Rapids emergency room department....I was there a total of 30 minutes and was being properly treated for my blood clots. Eventually they move me up to a room where I sit and wait. 

Still not fully understanding the gravity of my situation I ask if I can go home tomorrow. The nurse looks at me rather puzzled and says "no, you will be here a few days....are you aware of how close to death you were?". Um, not until that moment. Later the doctor told me if I had pushed it another week that I likely would not have survived the trip to the hospital. So, I will take the four days of sitting there bored to death in a quiet hospital room. Alive. Thankful to be alive.

But the other chaos is still happening. I am in the midst of a divorce and work and life and everything else that comes with it. I settle in and my divorce is declared final. August 1st things started to change. The stress was no better. There was a face smashing incident on my Son. There was lots of drama with police. Lots of harsh words. Lots of stress in general. We went to court, and then court again. And then I was taken to court over my girls. This chapter still isn't close as we have yet another court date in February. Life.

But in all this chaos I have found some things. I am way more positive than I have ever been. I realize that working on myself will only make my life better. Counseling. A couple of getaways. One with the girls and one solo. Relaxing. Lots of time with friends. Celebrating accomplishments with friends and family. My friends have done some amazing things. From climbing Kilimanjaro to new babies to amazing new relationships to qualifying for Ironman Championships.....You guys are amazing.

We have suffered losses this year too. The loss of close friends. The loss of loved ones. My dear friends have lost parents, others have lost close friends. Multiple people I know lost everything in fires in 2019. I am grateful for the people that remain a part of my life. I am grateful for all of those that have been part of my life in the past. Life goes on for all of us. Our paths just change but we are all still moving forward.  For those that know more about my life than others, thank you for listening to the drama, the happiness, and the tears. For those that I have helped, thank you for allowing me to be part of your journey on this 3rd rock from the sun. I appreciate you and your struggles. It shows us we are all human. For all the hugs, smiles, handshakes and words that have been exchanged this year I am overly grateful. 

It is time to move onto another year as well as another decade. What does it mean for you? What does it mean for me? Time will tell I suppose. I will be training for massive cycling events again. I will be dragging my girls around the state to show them things they haven't seen. I need a vacation. Like a for real vacation. But overall, I just want to continue down this path I started on in 2019. Where I see what it feels like to be happy with who I am as a person. I still struggle with negative self talk, but I am working on that every day. I have to learn to love who I am to any good for anyone I am around. There was a big step this year, and with help of a counselor I have had some pretty major self discoveries. Trying to force life to happen instead of sitting back and just letting it happen. This was a big one for me. Patience, ride the wave and see what happens. Resilience, keep fighting the good fight. Honesty, the truth will really set you free. Be honest with everyone including yourself. 

Sometimes the truth is hard to hear. But surround yourself with people that are not afraid to tell you the truth. These are the people that will build you up when you fall. I have these people around me and have sought their counsel early and often this year. The many in-depth conversations were bringing perspective that I never saw. I was able to say my peace on some things, and I took my push backs when it was necessary. Take the good with the bad.

I don't know what 2020 has in store for me. But I plan to do what I can to make it memorable. Lets have a fun year full of adventure, laughter, smiles, hugs, kisses, and bike rides. Because if I learned anything this year....it is that I am truly grateful to be alive and I cannot waste a life being angry or boring. Jump on my wheel, lets see where this year takes us!

So....here we go

Today I signed up for 2 events. Looks like I will back in the saddle in 2020. But, I have some work to do. My main event this year will be Lumberjack 100. 

But today, I signed up for Barry Roubaix and the Lowell 50. 

With the LJ being my event I want to make sure that I can get some solid training rides in, and a few training races. So my events will all be longer events probably a mix of mountain bike and gravel. 

Today, I got my trainer set up and everything ready to go. So I am ready to get to work. It will be ugly at first, because 2019 has been brutal for me. Health scare, divorce, etc....what can you do. I can start now. My last ride was October 6th. So nearly 2 full months ago. 

Lungs will be trash.

Legs will be trash.

Cardio will be ZERO

Motivation came in the form of a race entry for a 62 miler in less than 5 months. 

It also came in the form of a 32 mile race in about 4 months.

Work needs to be done. I will the work.

Here we go.

If you see me, give me words of encouragement. Give me pointers. Lift me up. Kindly tell me what I am doing wrong. Remind me about nutrition.....nutrition....nutrition...

I will see y'all soon.

Do you want it....

"Go outside and ride. And also ride your trainer. Unless you physically can't ride a bike your excuses are lame"

~Summer

"Change is hard. If you want something you have to work for it"

~Summer

These comments above are real. They are also "REAL". They were in response to an excuse filled post I had on Monday. In case you missed.....I used excuses for why I didn't ride. I got called on them.

This post is mainly about the second comment. And specifically the "if you want something you have to work for it" part. Because....Summer isn't wrong here. Not even close. And her comment got me thinking. Do I really "want" it?

And the answer is....not really. And my reason isn't what you think. I "DO" want it....but I don't "REALLY" want it. Meaning I want it, but I am not doing the work to get it. I can sit here all day and dream about my next century. I can imagine crossing the finish line of the Lumberjack 100. I can picture being handed my sunset award at the Coast to Coast Gravel Grinder. But my imagination isn't driving me to do the work.

Motivation is missing. That is what I am looking for....motivation. I know once I sign up for LJ100 that it will kick in....but I need to jump start it now when I have a few extra months to spin and burn calories.

Bottom line.....I do want it.....and now I have to work for it.

Drop the.....base?

Picture if you will:

It was a dreary morning as Southwest Michigan was recovering from a rain covered night. Not sure when the rain actually stopped, but all the roads were still mostly wet. Knowing that Kal-Haven would be okay to ride I pressed on and arrived to find a basically empty parking lot.

Kevin and Jimmy arrived and it was time to head out. Spirits were high. Then they were not. Thankfully I remember everything that happened....and that is an important detail. More on that later..

We left the parking lot and I was leading. I made the first right hander on the deck...and proceeded to become acquainted with said deck, in the area shown below. Faster than a speeding bullet Fat Albert shot out from under me and dumped me in a pile. Wet wood. Fail.

I remember thinking...this might be...and then feeling the wrenching pain of my knee being slammed into the deck followed by my hip and eventually hearing my helmet hit wood. The concern here is simple....a brain bleed. That is the only stock I was taking. I thought out loud "Fuck, I just hit my head"...and I laid there facing the grey sky wondering to myself if I had just accidentally committed suicide. The only concern my doctor gave me about riding was a head injury. I said "well I wear a helmet" and the response was still "be careful because a fall from standing height can cause a brain bleed"....which in turn....can kill me.

Kevin and Jimmy sprung into action and I eventually stood up. I wanted to make sure there was no head pain....and there was none. I checked my helmet for damage....none. This was truly the first instance I have ever had of a crash where I was more concerned about myself than about my bike. I pressed around on the back and side of my head near my neck to make sure there was no pain. I made sure I wasn't gushing blood out of my knee or anywhere else. Then, I threw my leg over the bike and we were off.

We had planned on 36ish miles, but at mile 10 I decided I was going to cut off. I made it to mile 11 before finally saying it out loud. The three of us turned around and headed back towards Kalamazoo. The long slog back felt more brutal than it should have. Neck and shoulders were starting to tighten up and my legs were not appreciating the weight of Fat Albert...or me. lol. But I plugged away and got back to the car. One final check of the pupils to make sure I was good and off towards home I went. We ended with about 23 miles. Not bad all things considered.

So, Monday was rough. Felt like I had whiplash in my neck (that already has arthritis) and my legs were simply shredded. I drank a lot of water and took some tylenol to ease the tension. This morning I felt much better, but still pretty sore. Trying to stretch and hydrate and just keep moving in general.

So...here is my PSA

BE CAREFUL ON WET HARD WOOD

;)

Yankee springs......because.....

It down poured for less than 30 minutes on Wednesday. I was planning on heading to Rockford to ride Luton or Merrell, but I was skeptical over the rainfall amounts. I instead opted for the grandpa trail named Yankee Springs.

Grandpa? Yeah....because it is the oldest trail in the southwest side of the state. But Grandpa...because there is more than you think there. Is it the grumpy old bastard that is rough round the edges and spills food out of his mouth as he screams at the tv while watching Wheel of Fortune? Or is it the grandpa you love to hang out with because he is consistent? Sure, he is old and frail in some spots. But those other areas, sharp minded and quit witted that makes his time worth every second spent.

That is why I called Yankee Springs a Grandpa. You are gonna hang out with him regardless....because you love him. When you don't see him for a long time....you miss him. And then...when you hang out with him....you are reminded of why you spent so much time away.

I unloaded to a handful of people in the lot. I headed down the regular trail and nearly ate shit in the first sandy section. Maybe a precautionary warning? Maybe rust! I was very rusty at the start. Wandering off the trail to the left and then to the right before finally settling in a bit and finding the right line. At least I thought.

I was just riding my pace. My friends, I am a heavy cyclist at this moment....so Yankee was a grumpy bastard for me. I actually sank in the freshly wet sand. I was so shocked that I had to put a foot down for the first time in years on any sand. Rust....mass....sand....kryptonite. I labored ahead, knowing I was going to finish a lap if it killed me. I rode my pace and had to walk some of the hills. I just haven't been riding enough to generate the needed power to climb the Yankee hills.

I worked my way thru the pines and slowly ascended that climb. Not steep, just long. Then I bombed the descent, and proceeded to have to walk the last section of the next climb. No hurt pride. I haven't been riding and I know Yankee is a jerk most of the time. Yankee plus a heavy rider....fast downhills and painful uphills. 

I finally got back to the car, thankful to be done...and very thankful to be alive. With my health issues this year just riding is an accomplishment. Riding this trail in my current shape is a stark reminder of what I need to do....but also a feeling of accomplishment. I wasn't afraid to go ride a more difficult trail with lots of climbing. I just went and did what I could. I have to start where I am. Endurance is getting better, but the strength needed to mountain bike is very lacking. Now the bar is set.....and I can work on raising that bar every week until I reach where I am wanting to be.

This time its different.....

Whoops, and eh.....next year looks solid

Took another hiatus....apologies. I am working on getting back into the swing of blogging on the weekdays. Clearly that hasn't been good this year. But, things are changing and I am planning my 2020 so....here we go.

For the year 2020 I am putting 2 huge events on my schedule. Everything else will lead up to these. They are....

While one of these might be obvious....the other might not be so clear. But all the events I do up to the first one (above) will be strictly for training for these 2 events. For Barry roubaix I am pondering the 62 miler. For The lowell 50...the 52 mile choice. If there is a long event before mid June....I am wanting to use it for training, for testing, for realizing.

The undertaking of an off road century is nasty enough. But the following weekend will be even worse. Twice the distance. And if you have seen me recently....you know I am nowhere near ready for these types of events. But....I am laying down a plan.

I am learning more on nutrition. I am putting my ass on the saddle as much as I can. That starts this week. Better choices for food. Healthier choices. Lifestyle changes. All the "yada yada" that has been posted on here before. I am tired of starting over. So I am just starting. 

Any endurance ideas....nutrition secrets....books on all of this...including the mental side....are welcome and appreciated. I know what I have to do....but knowledge is surely power. The more I learn the better.

Lets fucking do this.

Resetting

I realize I haven't posted in a long time, and here is why.

Life.....as usual.

But this time.....the wrenches were bigger. The hills were steeper. The walls were higher.

So, where to start.....I guess....last year.

In November I made the long overdue decision to separate from my wife of nearly 20 years. We started a trial separation and I got a small apartment. We actually went on our 20 year anniversary dinner, which was strange and sorta awkward. Anyway, I decided to change it to a divorce in December and it was officially filed. We still celebrated the holidays together for the kids, and things went very well. No issues.

So you can guess, my stress is pretty high. In turn, I only rode a few times over the past few months. I hit the trail in the snow a few times, even did an event in January. But then my riding fell off and I slid deeper into a life of stress and depression. The unknown and I don't get along very well. I prefer to know exactly what is happening all the time and exactly how things will end. At this point in my life I was totally out of control.

I did a few rides and was just having trouble breathing, but it felt really good to be out. The breathing got worse, so I went to doc for an inhaler. Gave that a shot, and it never really seemed to work. One lonely Friday I headed out for a solo ride at Luton Park. I made it about half a mile before my lungs were giving out and my heart rate was super high. Understanding this isn't right, I took the inner loop back to the car. Even that was highly difficult because I felt like I couldn't breathe. I managed to get to the car and to sit down right before passing out. Thankfully I didn't, but it took me 15 minutes in full AC for me to recover enough to get the bike on the car. 2 whopping miles, and I felt like I was going to die. Clearly, something was wrong.

A little history, I did notice that I was more huffy than normal when I would get to the top of the stairs at my apartment. Yeah, I am a big guy but a flight of stairs never bothered me before. Now it was. Laundry up and down the stairs was a chore. So the signs were developing. That weekend after I rode and was miserable I started to feel ok. Sunday up the stairs was rough, so I emailed the doc the next day. Monday night I dropped off my girls with their Mom and my youngest wouldn't get out of the car. She kept sitting there and talking. I believe she was thinking something was awry with me, that I just didn't seem right. When I got to the top of the stairs this time.....I knew something was wrong. Felt like I was going to pass out and simply couldn't get a breath in.

So I made the appointment and headed in. The next series of events was fairly eye opening. Here it goes:

• Get to doc and get signed in.
• Get called back for vitals.
• Oxygen is at 85% and heart rate is at 120 (NOT GOOD for a short walk)
• Took me into room and ran EKG
• Nurse showed Doc EKG, ran another EKG.
• Nurse left to show Doc
• Doc returns and asks if I am having chest pains
• tells me "don't freak out, but we are going to give you some asprin and put you on oxygen"
• lays me down on bed and states that Ambulance is on the way
• So....heart attack? YIKES
• Nurse arrives with baby asprin and oxygen
• wait patiently for Ambulance
• in hindsight, I knew something was wrong....so I was fairly relaxed at this point because I was at a doctor office. 
• Ambulance arrives
• load me on bed
• start IV.....I didn't pass out (HIGH FIVE)
• Ambulance makes the 6 mile trek to Mercy Health in Grand Rapids.
• Paramedics roll me into Room 21 of the Emergency Room.
• They ask if I want to be drug to the next bed or if I can move.
• Not being lazy, I got up and moved from one bed to the other. A whopping 6 feet
• Oxygen tanks and heart rate spikes again
• ER Doc thanks me for showing her what my symptoms were and not having to describe them.
• They say "you are pretty sick sweetheart"
• Nerves now a bit tenser
• Doc orders a bunch of tests and they draw a SHIT TON of blood. (thankfully they used the IV)
• 15 minutes pass and I get carted to CT
• Radiologist (I think that is what they are called) tells me they will put Iodine in me and it will feel like I am going to piss my pants.
• They put me in CT
• Scan 1
• Scan 2
• Ok, we are adding the iodine
• Slow.....warm feeling from head down to my....I AM PISSING MY PANTS!!!!!
• I wasn't, but he also wasn't kidding. What a feeling that was.
• CT Scan done, back to Room 21 in the ER
• 15 more minutes pass
• I hear the nurses station taking bets on "what is wrong with 21"
• I perk up because.....that is my room
• I hear them say "wow thats huge" and can only assume they are talking about my............brain (get your mind out of the gutter)
• Doctor enters room with nurse
• Doc is telling me that I have a saddle pulmonary embolism. In other works, a big fucking blood clot in my lungs....both of them.
• Nurse is fairly frantic in the room slamming drawers and dropping stuff
• (this makes me more nervous because she had a sense of urgency she didn't have before)
• While talking to Doc more the nurse gets her wits and starts IV in other arm
• Shortly thereafter a slow drip of clear blood thinner was being streamed into my body.
• Then, ultrasound came and got me
• Did an ultrasound on both legs
• Found another clot in right leg
• Took me from there right upstairs to my room
• Next morning they did a Heart Eko to ensure my heart didn't have any damage. (at this point we know it was strained, but unclear if there will be any damage)
• Sat there for 4 days and finally got sent home.

Basically, I could have died if I had pushed it any further than I did. Doc told me that "chances are if you had pushed it another week that you would not have made it to hospital alive". Well, if that isn't a kick in the life button I really don't know what is. I was off work for the next 2 weeks and was researching what the hell was exactly going on with me. One issue....they can't test my blood for coagulation disorders....because of the blood thinners. Which I am grateful for, because they have me alive. ugh. 

Anyway, add the near miss stress on top of marital stress which is compounded with life stress and....yeah....I am very grateful to be alive today. 

Since the blood thinners I have ridden a few times. 3 rides on the trainer and then 2 outside rides. I rode 2 laps at Riley and felt better than I have in a long time. So I decide to push it and ride 20 on Sunday at Kal-Haven. That went off without a hitch. So, I am working my way back with some potential big plans for 2020 depending on what the doctors say. I can do normal activities....just have to be careful not to bleed to death. 

This Monday I went to doc to check some swelling in my hand, just the right one. They are sending me to another ultrasound on Friday to see if there is a clot there too. If so, the thinners should be working and I don't know if anything else will happen with that. But, if there is.....I will be sent to a fancy hematologist, or a blood doctor. They will work with me to figure out what is going on. I want to get to the bottom of it, because I feel so much better and don't want any repeat hospital visits. ugh.

Today some of my stress was relieved. My divorce was officially final as of this morning. So my stress will be changing and I plan to get back on the bike and do some adventuring. If both people that read this are interested.....hit me up for a slow ride. I am truly starting from scratch again. For those that don't give a rip about my personal life....sorry for wasting your time. 

See you all soon. Reset 2.0 has begun